My life has always been like a triangular tarp requiring three anchors to be truly stable.
Big Daddy, my grandfather, was my first anchor and an amazing father to me. Having him in my life made me fearless and driven because I knew I always had a sanctuary to retreat to if it all fell apart. He was my true home and safety, no questions asked and no judgement passed. He wanted me to be strong, independent, and, to learn from my own mistakes. He gave me the absolute freedom to be myself and loved me unconditionally. When I lost him 21 years ago my life became a little less stable but I was able to hold on because I still had two corners tacked down.
For almost 15 years my first husband was my second anchor. Having him in my life made me relaxed and adventuresome. I was given the role of caregiver at a pretty young age and could be an intensely serious person after my chaotic childhood; he taught me the sky wasn’t always falling. Our home was a creative sanctuary and he taught me to live more in the present rather than spending so much time worrying about a tomorrow I could not control. He encouraged me to take time for myself so I could replenish my own personal reserves of energy because I had a tendency take care of others first. After we divorced 18 years ago things became increasingly unstable.
With Heathen, my best friend, as my only anchor, my life began the slow base spin of a tilt-a-whirl ride. I managed okay for a few years, until it picked up enough speed to start spinning my personal compartment so fast that I was unable to keep my eyes focused on anything stable. Some of the spin was created by my own courageous life choices that were fueled by things like loneliness, depression, frustration, and feeling lost in the world. Some of the spin, such as breast cancer, was beyond my control. Thank the Universe for sending Kethrys into our world as the mechanic, the fixer, who managed to keep the bizarre contraption from flying apart into disastrous oblivion.
From my 40th birthday to my 50th was the most brutal decade of my adult life. I met some incredible people and went on once in a lifetime adventures but I just couldn’t stop spinning. Every time I thought I was finding solid ground the damn ride kicked into high gear again. After the first year I began two friendships that I could never have imagined would become vital to my recovery almost a decade later. One was with Rahata, often referred to as the Lion. The other was with Duckie, also referred to as the Wolf. They are both relationships that built slowly due to time, distance, and, life situations. I have such love and respect for both of them. They met me and got to know me through my absolute worst and not only stuck around but were instrumental in putting me back on solid ground.
The demons and I took a leap of faith 5 months ago and hit the reset button. We left my home city of Memphis and moved to 2 acres in a tiny town in the foothills of the mountains of Central Arkansas to become housemates with the Lion. I was terrified of the change but he immediately made us feel at home; we have never felt like guests here. Aloysius has become a downright love monster, and, even skitty kitty Bela Roux is more open, affectionate and engaged with everyone she has met here. This home is free of stress, drama, chaos, and static. The topography and weather patterns are reminiscent of Seattle but it has the Southern ways I missed when I lived there. For me, it is the best of both worlds. Living here has anchored my safe home base. I am finding my fearlessness and drive again because I have found a sanctuary with no questions and no judgment. I do not have to explain, justify, or, ask permission for anything I do. This is truly a place to heal and rebuild.
I knew I was going to miss the Wolf when I moved. He had been my only daily contact for about a year and we tried to get together at least twice a week, even if it was just 15 minutes for a cup of cocoa on the patio between other obligations. I have called him my walking chill pill and come to appreciate his magical ability to decimate tornadoes full of flying monkeys with his stoic presence. The separation opened our eyes about how much things have evolved between us. We only get together about once a month now, however, that little bit of time in this environment has led to the most stable intimate relationship I have ever experienced. This intimacy is free of stress, drama, chaos, and static. He engages both the left and right sides of my brain. He has reminded me the sky isn’t always falling. Loving him has anchored my safe heart and creative sanctuary base. I am finding my words and my voice again. I never have to apologize for what I think or how I feel. I can speak completely honestly without any filters. My choice to belong to him is the freest I have ever felt.
I give thanks to the Universe my 51st birthday was in this place with these people. No, my life isn’t all chocolate cake for breakfast and glittery unicorn farts. Bad things still happen, they are just easier to handle when you have such an incredible foundation. I write more, cook more, garden more, explore more. I stress less, cry less, depress less, drink less. I own less and live more simply than I ever have yet am more fulfilled and genuinely satisfied than I have ever been. Now that I am in a better place I hope to rekindle and repair some of my longest and most treasured connections, including the one with myself. I am finally able to start looking outward again after a long dark inward spiral.
Thanks to everyone who actually stuck with me and weathered the storm. Sister Vonnie was right when she commented that I’m back. Bwahahahaha!!! You will probably be seeing some changes on my pages and blogs. It’s time for a little redecorating. =^.^=
Namaste & POLO!!!